CHAPTER TWO

Guilty Conscience - Kenan

Bahar Yilmaz, the young lady of pride and principles, was the first and only woman to ever strike my heart with instant love. Though the story of how we met was a one-of-a -kind coincidence, I was immediately drawn to her impulsive character and great desire to express herself as an independent individual. From the moment of our first meeting, she was driven into the path of adventure by greater emotions, leading her to become the most lovable runaway bride of the century.

Her plan to ditch her groom just hours before the wedding came in handy when I unintentionally appeared before her. I wasn’t even supposed to be there that day, but my partner-in-crime Emir Polat was the one to call me for back-up. He was on a secret mission targeting Bahar’s father, Fikret Yilmaz, for suspected illegal business in Istanbul and offshore. The day of the ceremony was the perfect time of distraction for Emir to collect any evidence that might link his suspect to his many crimes. While I was hiding out on Bahar’s balcony waiting to break into her family’s extravagant mansion, she caught me off-guard. Though I was in no position to expose my reason for being there, nor compromise my partner’s or my own identity, I had no choice but to escort her away from the wedding site upon her desperate request.

Soon after our escape, I realized that Bahar was a real victim of rotten authority. Her father was no ordinary man, having studied that political yet controlling side of his, not to mention the inequitable environment that forced his only daughter to marry a man she claimed she never loved to begin with. Somehow, the Yilmaz family background seemed similar to mine to some extent.

My mother, Almas’s, first husband was abusive to her emotionally, but more so physically. His name was Omar Korkmaz, a professional alcoholic and gambler who used her genuine heart to gain access to her bank account. In an attempt to save herself from his continuous outrage, she accidentally pushed him down the stairs while he was intoxicated. Unfortunately, he died. The victim’s family then accused my mother of attempted murder, and while she was in prison, they took full custody of her two year-old daughter, Elif.

A year later, my father, Iskender, was assigned to reopen the case, and the incident was determined self-defense; meanwhile, Elif’s adoptive family disappeared without a trace, leaving my mother heartbroken. I learned of my stepsister as a young child, and for endless nights I’ve witnessed my mother’s unbearable misery and grief. For that, I was driven by a genuine determination to continue the search, which soon led me to become the detective that I have been proud to be.

On the evening of our runaway, Bahar and I remained in hiding at a hunting cabin we found in the woods. Curled up on the couch near the fireplace, she slept all night as I watched over her. She looked so beautiful in her white gown, resting like a princess. Though I was attracted to her from the very beginning, I was careful enough not to take advantage of the situation. I wasn’t raised to be that kind of man.

Regardless of Bahar’s fearless personality, she was shivering in her sleep. Perhaps she was dreaming of her unpredictable future, or even her moment of truth while facing off her family. The next day, the adventure of ours was over, yet Bahar’s decision to return home was not set in motion. She had another plan in mind as we each departed our separate ways, and wishing her the best of luck, I continued my path solo.

On the other hand, and as a result of the sudden events, Emir failed to gather incriminating proof against Fikret. His investigation was compromised by the wedding that never happened, and he was taken off the case. Meanwhile, I had to leave town for a week to follow up on a lead in connection with my step-sister. Each passing year, my hope of finding Elif was fading, yet I promised myself never to stop looking. Even if that was the last thing I would do before I die, I had to find her. Five years earlier, my extended quest lead me back to Izmir and right to a private adoption center in which Elif lived for several years. 

Despite my respected position as a police officer, and my personal reasons behind the inquiry, the agency denied me any information regarding her adoption. Every little detail remained confidential, and non of my questions were ever answered. Apparently, the agency had closed its doors earlier in the season; however, the executive assistant, Esma Demir, seemed to have remembered me. Somehow, I left a positive mark in her memory when she called me up requesting a quick meeting.

As it appeared, shortly after the Korkmaz family took custody of Elif in an attempt to keep her away from my mother, of course, they put her up for adoption. She was only two-years old. They obviously did not love her enough to take care of her and call her their own. On the same day that Elif was brought to the agency, it was also Esma’s first day of work, and so the case and circumstances remained fresh in her mind for years. 

Sadly, Elif was just a toddler at the time, with too many changes in her life and in such a short period. First, her father died, then her mother was taken to prison when her new family jumped into the picture, only to give her up to total strangers.

While living at the agency for eight years awaiting possible new parents to adopt her, Elif did not handle the changes very well. She was always lonely and confused by everything, mostly missing her family, especially her mother. One day, she ran away and back home, when the unpredictable happened. Her father’s family rejected her straight out. They wanted no connection with an orphanage ten-year-old, even though their blood ran through her veins. They treated her so badly before sending her back to where she came from.

Unfortunately, Elif was no more than an innocent child in need of true love and protection, and her runaway incident only made things worse. Soon she experienced a state of depression from which she never seemed to recover. She strongly believed that no one ever loved her or even wanted to be with her, and so she secluded herself from the outside world, refusing to let anyone into her heart. Upon the closing of the agency, she was transferred to a special care facility for therapy, but no one knew of the location or the center, not even Esma. Once again, my search was not yet over.

During my out-of-town stay, my parents were moving into our new home in Bebek, a lot closer in distance to Istanbul’s judicial court. Both my father and I were connected to the justice system, which at times seemed a lot more stressful for my mother. She often worried about my putting myself in danger, but what she failed to understand was that my line of duty was my chosen destiny. I could not have been someone else other than a police officer. Having a new lead to go on, I returned to Istanbul the same night of my family’s annual charity event, only to find Bahar among the guests of honor. Though I wasn’t expecting to ever see her again, I was delighted by such a surprise. I couldn’t stop myself from following her pace, which soon lead me to dance with her soul and kiss her sweetened lips of passion.

Before I knew it, I was drowning within her innocent eyes, spelling her name with every breath I took, unaware of our serious charisma and its risky consequences. Somehow, I lost myself in her world of first love and endless desire. Counting every passing second, she appeared before me as pretty as no reality could ever be. Her cheerful smile brought my heart true peace, and for the first time in my life I felt so powerless while enjoying the moment within.

Shortly after our romantic encounter, I came to find out that Bahar was not only a guest at the Gocer charity event, but also a special resident at our new nest. I had been away from home since before we moved in, so I had no idea. Not only that, but the link of friendship between the Yilmaz family and the Gocer family was what puzzled me even more.

Over the years, I never recalled my father mentioning the connection among the different family trees, maybe because he was not in direct contact with them. Bahar’s deceased grandmother lived in a different district, while her wealthy uncle was nowhere near Istanbul. Perhaps my father was not aware of the ongoing investigation of Fikret’s business, yet it was not my call to discuss. It was Emir’s case.

Bahar’s journey changed forever the day she chose to walk away from her noble lifestyle to find her own. Unfortunately, her stubborn impulse to make her will against all caused her and her mother to separate. My father was a well-known and respected attorney in Istanbul, and upon learning of her situation, he jumped to her rescue. He promised her to pursue all legal matters in order for her and her mother to reunite again.

A new challenge was written for me with Bahar’s presence in my life. I was the luckiest man on earth to wake up to her beautiful sunshine glowing within my world, and to fall asleep so peacefully in the shadow of her moonlight. She was a rare gem to find, yet once I uncovered her precious self, she was still so out of reach. It wasn’t long before I realized that I had fallen in love with her when I saw the mutual feelings alive and fiery in her eyes.

Each passing day was a new paradise for both of us, bonding our spirits together with no chance of withdrawal. Meanwhile, she was growing more gorgeous and stronger than the first day we met. Her teaching career at the foundation was blooming like a colorful spring, flowing with musical notes and happy rhythms. Her determination to stand on her own feet and make it in the real world without prior calculations showed how strong and fearless she truly was. Her ambition to live happily ever after stole my fears of any commitment.

Suddenly, life seemed so perfect for me, almost too perfect, when the unexpected happened. In a blink of an eye, Fikret Yilmaz was arrested for drug and weapon smuggling, embezzlement, and fraud. The well-planned arrest made the headline news for weeks in a row. The presented evidence against him was as deadly as a fired bullet. Even the greatest attorney in Istanbul failed to lower his conviction. Bahar’s mother was left without peace of mind, targeted by the media and all those social networks that enjoyed a juicy gossip. Her husband was sent to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Her home ownership and all possessions were under the government’s control.

Meanwhile, Bahar was living through a phase of denial. She refused to believe all that was said. Regardless of Fikret’s difficult mind and personality, he was her father. Though the way she described their relationship was not as profound as mine was with my father, they were still related by blood. But looking on the bright side, both she and Leila were reunited after three months of living apart. They needed each other more than ever in order to get past their tragedy.

Just then, and in the middle of a legal mess set between Fikret and the justice system, Bahar’s exfiancé, Orhan Mirza, showed up, only to stir trouble rather than offering the Yilmaz family his support, he took advantage of the situation, asking Bahar for a second chance. Of course she said no. She never wanted to be with him the first time around, so what made him think that she was to change her mind now? He was delusional, stuck in his own world. Perhaps he thought that both women were in a moment of weakness without Fikret’s protection, yet he was wrong. Both my family and I were there to make sure they were safe at all times, while we fought for their legal rights.

Orhan’s evil plot did not end there. He followed Bahar’s shadow day and night. Now that he had been rejected more than once by the woman he claimed he loved since childhood, he was seeking revenge for the day of the wedding and for her choosing to love me instead. Therefore, his agenda of payback was redirected my way. He then came after me, threatening to kill me, intimidating me to fight him back.

At first, he didn’t appear to be a dangerous man, and so I tried to brush him off by ignoring his immature behavior until the night he got himself drunk and showed up to retaliate by setting my car on fire. He provoked me in the most vicious of ways while speaking so rudely of Bahar. It was right there and then that I lost my patience, exchanging with him fists of violence. Soon enough, Orhan’s rough act ended up with him in jail for quite some time, giving us all a break for a change.

Two weeks after Fikret’s prison conviction, Bahar’s uncle Hakan Yilmaz returned from Paris to settle down in Istanbul. His relationship with my father seemed pretty strong, despite the long distance. From our first meeting, he appeared to be a noble man of different visions and many promises. He was very wealthy, having invested his share of inheritance in major investments all over the world. The main goal of his return was to protect his brother’s family from harm’s way under the current circumstances, and so they moved in with him for good.

Bahar’s move to Hakan’s villa changed nothing between us. In fact, it did the complete opposite. We both learned the hard way to miss each other so much, realizing that neither one was capable of surviving without the other. That’s when I decided to tie up all loose ends of our relationship with an official proposal. We were born to be together, period.

March 21 was the first day of spring and also Bahar’s birthday. At sunset, I set out to meet up with my future bride down at Bebek Bay, the same location of our first date. Slowly, I watched her run her way through the overcrowded streets, racing her heart chasing after our forever happiness. The ashy looking sky screamed thunder, threatening to release its heavy burden of rain and wild wonders upon the open sea, while I stood by looking, the golden sun set its charms behind the folding waves of the angry ocean.

After the unique journey that we’d both walked, the intimate moment of ours was finally real and ready to reveal the beginning of a brand-new-life, rather than the end to an adventure of coming together. Our life appeared before us like an open book, written with lines of happiness yet an overdue commitment that brought us to finish what we’d already started. Though each of our destinies was our own to keep inscribed within the streaks of palms like an ancient secret, waiting to be revealed when the time is right, our greatest power was the secret itself.

“Kenan!” She reached out in desperation while struggling to take in a deep breath. Her eyes were irritated with tears rather than laughter.

“Bahar? What happened?”

“She’s gone, Kenan…she’s gone forever.” Her voice trembled with every breath, trying to speak her thoughts and her eyes would not stop crying.

“Who are you talking about, Bahar?” I was scared out of my mind, not knowing what to expect.

“Melek! She died, Kenan. Melek died in my arms!” She sobbed endlessly, unable to control her weak emotions. I reached out to comfort her, wrapping my arms around her broken soul. Melek was a young orphan whom Bahar met at the Gocer foundation. She loved her dearly, and the two had a special bond.

“When? How?”

“I was leaving to come here when it happened. It all went down so fast. It was a hit-and-run car accident.”

“I am so sorry for your loss, Bahar.” I pulled her closer to my heart, breathing in her scented hair while she cried her grief away. “I know how much you loved her.”

“She loved me more. She loved me like the sister she never had. I was her only family.”

“I know.”

“I promised her that I’d be happy with you. She made me promise just before she passed. It’s because of her that I am here right now.” Suddenly the wicked storm of Mother Nature announced its arrival upon us with wild rains and raging wind blowing from every direction as if the universe was grieving with us our sad loss.

“Thank God you’re here, Bahar.” I felt somewhat relieved. “I cannot live without you. Not even for a second. You are the sunshine of every morning, the moonlight of every night, and the breath of my freedom.”

“I love you so much, Kenan.”

“I love you more, my love.” I kissed her forehead. “Marry me, Bahar. Become my wife, my passion, and my pride.”

“Yes, Kenan. I will marry you….” She smiled, crying her tears of happiness when our lips locked together in celebration of our lifetime commitment of burning love. Life was indeed short to spend apart from those we loved dearly. That was the one valuable lesson I learned from Melek’s death.

In the heat of the moment, we decided to take a short trip to Paris to celebrate our engagement, far away from the tragic incident. On that same evening, and nearly a half an hour before takeoff, Bahar and I waited at the airport together for our scheduled flight. Inside the departure gate, I sat on the metal bench across from the standing television, while Bahar rested her head against my chest. We were living the dream that we had waited for for endless nights when the words of joy glanced through Bahar’s eyes.

“Are we really engaged, Kenan?” she questioned with absolute happiness. Her smile was glowing with excitement.

“Yes, Bahar. We’re getting married.” I reassured her, while stroking her hair so gently. She lifted her body up to a sitting position facing me.

“I’ve waited for this day my whole life, and to say ‘yes’ to the man of my dreams is a dream of its own.”

“Me, too. Though I’ve always wondered what it would be like to ask you to marry me. The reality was much more beautiful than the dream.” I pulled her closer to my heart to hold on to her forever, when the sound of a fired gunshot alarmed the entire airport of a sudden danger. I looked up to find Bahar in my arms and blood on my hands. Suddenly, she lost her balance and collapsed to the floor.

“Bahar!” Fear took over me. “Bahar? Bahar? Can you hear me?” I touched her face gently in an attempt to wake her up, but her body was quickly turning cold. Police officers and security guards rushed to the scene, surrounding us in a matter of seconds while all traveling passengers were ducking down behind the seating area, afraid of any other possible bullets.

“We need an ambulance! My fiancée has been shot! Somebody, help!” I shouted while resisting the urge to pick her up and start running to the nearest safety. Sadly, I was in no position to go anywhere.

“The airport is under lockdown!” One officer shouted through his police radio, while another was leaning near Bahar’s body, checking her pulse.

“Bahar…Bahar…stay with me. It will be over soon. I promise.” I whispered in her ear while watching the love of my life fade like an autumn leaf.

Moments later, we were escorted by ambulance to a nearby hospital, where Bahar’s family and mine were anxiously waiting for our arrival. The targeted bullet hit Bahar’s lower back, closer to her kidney. She was in a critical condition, and the surgery took longer than expected. Complications came up, and she needed a blood transfusion. Meanwhile, I wandered the empty hallway all alone, clueless to what had just happened.

Orhan was already in police custody serving his few months’ sentence for his attempted assault, so he could not have been the one responsible for the shooting. Two weeks prior to the incident, I arrested a street gang of past convictions for a bank robbery that went wrong, but their chief leader was nowhere to be found. Perhaps he was the one to come after me, but ended up shooting Bahar instead. The possible theory soon convinced me of the ongoing danger surrounding my life, which I had underestimated.

After delivering us with some good news, the doctor left his patient resting in her hospital bed waiting to see me upon her request. Out in the hallway, and before entering the room, I stood in silence, undecided on my next move, when I felt my jacket’s pocket for a brief minute remembering my grandmother’s ring, which I was planning to give to Bahar in Paris as an official engagement present.

Bahar was resting, tucked beneath a white blanket, looking somewhat pale. Drops of painkillers and other medication were watering her veins through tubes hooked up to her arm, while other reviving wires attached to her chest monitored her heartbeats. Slowly, I walked up to her, pulling up a chair near her bedside. I reached to hold her hand and to plant on her a reviving kiss when she opened her tired eyes to find me watching over her. She smiled, looking directly into my eyes. For the first time in my life, I was beyond horrified. Just the thought of losing her drove me out of my mind.

“Kenan….” Her voice was weaker than our moment of reunion.

“I’m here, Bahar.” I kissed her hand for a second time when the tears of agony gathered up at once. I’ve never seen her so powerless before. I couldn’t accept it.

“What time is it?” she asked.

“It’s almost midnight. Why?”

“We missed our flight to Paris.” She smiled with pain, still hoping for a real reunion.

“Bahar….” I released a spiritless breath, unable to continue talking.

“Kenan…I’m okay….,” she spoke softly, when a wandering tear escaped her eye. “Please don’t be sad. Everything will be all right as long as we are together.” She was optimistic despite what happened, when my own tears fled their manly cave for the first time.

“I was so scared…I thought I lost you.”

“But you didn’t…soon we will walk out of that door together, and pick up where we left off. I promise.” She truly believed in us, not ready to let go while I was. I shook my head in disagreement. My leg was shaking too.

“Kenan? What’s wrong?” The more closely I looked into her eyes, the more I recognized the fearless Bahar I’ve known and loved, yet I did not have that courage in me. Not that night.

“I can’t promise you that I’d be here to walk you out of that door.”

“What are you saying, Kenan?”

“You almost died because of me, Bahar. I failed to protect you, and you are the most precious gift of my life.”

“No…don’t blame yourself for what happened. Please, don’t.”

“Yes. I am the one to blame. I cannot afford to risk your life again, Bahar. I cannot watch you die in my arms the way you almost did tonight.” I pulled my hand away from hers while she was still trying to hold on.

“Don’t go, Kenan…don’t leave me.” She cried with greater agony. “Please… please, don’t go.”

“I am sorry, Bahar… I must go.”

“No.”

“I would rather you live without me, than for you to lose your life because you chose to stay with me.”

“No. Don’t go…Kenan, don’t go!” She cried out loud, when I finally let go of her hand and stormed out the door without looking back.

All at once, I found myself out of breath while drowning in sweat. The reality of the matter was more cruel to comprehend than the vision of living happily ever after, while mine was a bitter truth of lost passion that drew the line of my life forever.

Behind the courage of my career and the deadly bullets of my weapon, I was helpless, incapable of protecting my own love affair. I walked away from my destiny, not because I didn’t love Bahar, but because I loved her more than my life. I feared to lose her in the most painful of ways. Though she was too fragile to understand my motives, she, too, had every reason to hate me. I gave her that right.

From that day on, I was a lost man with no destination. The only hope that kept me going was the undying sound of Bahar’s voice singing in my dreams, knowing that nothing could possibly separate us within my world of wishes. Even though living with a guilty conscience was no easy journey, being in denial was a bigger crime against any truth.